The Art of Haunting
by Adusiriel
Summary: King Claudius from Shakespeare's Hamlet comes back to ask his son to avenge his death but not without complications! Humor, AU.


**A/N: I originally began this for an English assignment (yes, another one of those!) but that had a 300 word limit, so I expanded it because I was just having too much fun. I rather like the King like this – he's out of character but more fun. :) Much, much better than the solemn, serious King of _Hamlet_! (No offense, Shakespeare. Sorry, all you lovely _Hamlet_ purists.) R&R, please!**

**Disclaimer: Of course, _Hamlet_ belongs to Shakespeare, as do all the characters you recognize from that amazing play.**

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At my death, I knew that I could never live - or die, excuse me - with the injustice. Some scurvy knave had actually succeeded in taking my kingdom, and this, I could never live to face.

I had never liked my brother Claudius: he was quite a mean person when we were younger. Of course, I was the older of the two of us, so he could never do very much to _me_, but he was always picking on those who were younger or smaller than he was, or anybody who couldn't (or wouldn't) fight back. Then again, Claudius was always kind of a scrawny little fellow, so he never did very much damage.

That could definitely change now that he had possession of the throne of Denmark, as well as the love and faithfulness of my widow, the Queen. (I suppose she still counts as the Queen, though I still don't think of Claudius as the real King. That will always be me.)

After my death, I realized how many figures of speech that used the word "life" that I could no longer use, and I decided to revise my speech patterns accordingly, as it seems that I will spend quite a while in the afterlife.

You see, I didn't quite realize this when I died, but dying is _permanent_. In hindsight, it seems obvious, but for some reason most people just don't think about it. There's even a waiting room once you're escorted to the afterlife by Death (who, when he's off duty, is rather a nice fellow to spend an evening and share a drink or two with).

Another thing I realized is that not everybody is Danish in the afterlife. Before my death, I imagined a kind of world that was divided up just like the one that living people inhabit, but in fact everybody lives all squished together. Nobody has very much room to breathe: it's like the biggest city I've ever seen, and I can't understand half the people I meet. It's all very confusing, and you would think that the gods would have organized things more efficiently.

I was disgraced; I therefore devised a plan. First off, I would rid my speech of anything having to do with living, and secondly, I would try to contact my son so that he could avenge my death. The first part of my plan I took on with relatively little pain, especially since I no longer have a body and therefore can't feel pain; the second part I endeavored to do by appearing at midnight every night. Unfortunately, I didn't really know where I would appear, since I hadn't had much time to practice.

The first night, I appeared in a moonlit field where I'm afraid I quite frightened a rabbit. He seemed to have some sort of seizure before disappearing into his hole, and that made me wonder if I still looked as I had when I died. I had been poisoned, and my skin went all scaly and pale and began bleeding from the major parts of my body just before I died. You saw some dreadful people walking around in the afterlife, too – just the other day, I saw a young woman carrying a pot of red geraniums who seemed to be missing part of her torso walking past my window. The man who works in the butchers' shop has, funnily enough, a butcher's knife sticking in his heart. I would think that would become quite tiresome, but I suppose one gets used to it.

On the second and third nights, I either had more luck or I was getting better at aiming: I appeared on the ramparts where two men were standing guard. This pleased me, because it seemed that someone still ran the country efficiently. Unfortunately, they, like the rabbit, seemed quite frightened of me, but they didn't have seizures. They just started talking to me, and I found I couldn't answer.

On the fourth night, three men stood guard, and I tried to speak, and no sound came from my mouth except for a faint "Oooooohhhh" sound. I was improving! Despite the ignominy of this, the guards seemed deeply impressed, and I do believe it made me sound like the thoughtful, profound, and intelligent person I am - err, was.

Apparently the new man might possess more intelligence than the other two, because I believe he might have received the message I was attempting to send, for as the cock crowed and I disappeared, I thought I heard him say that he would speak to Hamlet - I awaited the next night with suspense.

The next night, I missed my target altogether and landed in the middle of a party in my former Great Hall. This vanquished all confidence I had built up about my apparition, and greatly hurt my self-esteem as well. I had to vanish quickly for fear that someone would see me, but upon consideration, I realized that I didn't need to leave so fast. Everybody in there was dead drunk. Indeed, the first thing I saw was a man lying upon a table, his head lolling and arms sprawling; several young women were clustered around him, apparently drawing on his prone form. I don't know why, nor do I wish, do, but the man looked like he was leading a very fulfilled life.

**A/N: Hope ya'll enjoyed it! I haven't a clue where the idea for this came from, but I had fun. Please R&R!**

**-- Adusiriel**


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